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| It's a beautiful thing when rational people fall in love.  | | |
| I felt a little crappy today and this thought came to me in my moments of insecurity and doubt:
We certainly do create our own insecurities. It's funny how we never
fully grasp how others perceive us, and yet we're weakened by our
perception of their perception of us. Two degrees of separation -
separating our state of mind and reality. Personally, I see it as
one sabotaging their own mind. How clearly can you understand a
situation, a person, an action....if you second guess 'your' reality
?
Being able to see through another's eyes :::: People who are typically
good at putting themselves into other people's
shoes, empathizing, usually are the ones who fall victim to this when
they dont' have a
strong sense of self, in terms of identity, beliefs, a character, an
innate personality. They're normally emotionally vulnerable,
easily attached (to relationships, objects, memories)...clinging on to
dear life, backlashing when faced with emotional demands and changes
(stress). Internal conflicts consume these people, and they're
often faced with indecision - especially when the dilemma concerns
themselves. (even if it's just an ice cream flavor on a hot day...)
Seeing through my own eyes :::: On the other end of the spectrum, it is
those who are considered narrow-minded, closed minded, fixed in their
ways such that they would never dream of even knowing just how to
empathize. Yet these people face the same sad basket of problems. They,
too, cling for emotional stability, and vehemently oppose change to any
aspect in regards to what their reality is. These people are often
consumed by self-inflicted external conflicts, or over exaggerate
problems, labeling them as beyond their control - because it doesn't
integrate well into the pretty little world they have in their heads.And the system is all wrong.
Ultimately, this boils down to - what's Objective and what's Relative.
For all those who fight conformity, champion authenticity, and
individualism - everything is relative except for self. Not so much
that what I say/do is necessarily true nor should it matter, but
regardless, it is true to me. (Porn vs. Art ; or Abortion
vs. Right to Life; or Biological Homosexuality vs. Psychological
Homosexuality)
Those who argue how far an envelope (whether social, political,
relgious, even economic....) can be pushed, to them, there is a common
ground to which all things must fall. A harmony and disharmony in the
enviroment, and they have a defined personal role in it. This is
similar to Confucism vs. Taoism. (social structure or personal means
and beliefs).
Given these mentalities (which we all fall into), how can one cope with
emotional repercussions ? If you can't be wholly happy, what effects
can you have on others ? Life shouldn't be a visage, but insecurities
are often projected. And a domino cause & effect chain reaction
occurs all around the individual. I see them as self-fulfilling
prophesies. Pessimistic people usually wonder why bad things always
happen to them. The more you think about it, the more you become and
act out your self-image and self-perceptions. It's an ugly cycle.
Ask yourself, how do you see the world ? How do you see yourself ? (see
a connection yet ??) Which one of these extremes do you most resemble ??
Personally, I can offer no solution as I fall victim to insecurities
and self doubt as well. But I think to correct oneself, one must be critical of oneself -
breaking down one's perceptions or way of perceiving as they know it.
Letting go of one's ego, but not one's mind.
The only conclusion I can come up with....in all truth, a person is a
walking duality. Between it all, (reason vs. emotion; or confidence vs.
fear; etc.), there's always two side to every person. We're all
schizo....
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| 'Reading Week' Vacation (canadian spring break):
Ok...so my last post wasn't too popular. But thanx, Jamie, for your thoughtful insights. Always can count on you for enlightening comments....on my intestinal tracts.  That was just some much needed venting, from part confusion, part exhaustion, and lots of soul searchin' (if u wanna call it that).
First off....I just returned from sweet ol' Cali-forn-aye-yeh yesterday morning. (my version of springbreak....yes, in february). After only 2 hours of sleep on the plane, I was totally weirded out the whole day....and spent much of today recovering as well.
I am definitely suffering from withdrawal, as I dearly miss the scenery, the weather, but more especially so the company I left behind. (For pics....refer to Mysunderstood or phatty_cheeks 's Xanga sites...as I'm too inept to post any up myself... ). I learned a lot from that vacation.....as it was my own personal getaway from my cold reality in Toronto. (refer to previous entry)
As compared to my last visit to Cali, I guess I had more on my mind than before - more concerns (the blind uncertainty in regards to school, work, friends, career, the next 6 months of my life wutever the hell that may bring), but ALSO for those around me down there. Some worries one can easily ignore, while other tensions can be felt only too clearly. My apologizes for imposing in any way, or overstepping any boundaries....
The experience, much as last time, was like a dream...the freedom, music, movies, FOOD, bit of drinkin, incense, laughter, and family....pure simplicity. I FINALLY got to see the Pacific Ocean...goddamn, it was beautiful - spent like 30 mins just lookin at the waves, surfers, and sunset. Got totally tripped out at Six Flags Magic Mountain...5 rides in 4 hours...not bad at all. Did I mention, I also got to work at Ben & Jerry's ?! dude, all I can say is ice cream cakes are fcukin rip-offs. I kno, I made 'em !! And between Peking Duck Pizza, sushi, Denny's, 3 viet restaurants, 2 take outs, a café and Olive Garden, there was home cookin and bbq. Indulgences......o, how terrible. 
Anyways, Pete and Heather showed mad love as usual, and I can't describe how grateful I am. Despite "weather depression", the palm trees were still swayin, and the drizzle only made the mood that much more mellow. The trip was more than anything I could ask for...and the hospitality was, too much yo. I can only hope to return the favor soon enough. (we DO get at least 3 months of sunshine in Canada yo !)
I just hoped that I left y'all somewhat happy too. And yo, differences can be hard to cope with, but differences must first be understood. People change, attitudes change, and inevitably, goals & priorities change. To be strong is to adapt - even if it hurts, but never overlook those who care about you. And never look back.
I had too much weighin me down to be as carefree as I'd hoped...but all in all, I left Costa Mesa feelin nostalgic  .....a true sign of any good vacation.
Last words:
yo Pete, don't abuse the ROOR, dude (for recreational or medicinal purposes....clean that shit out, it's nasty !) And dude, remember that I support wutever your decisions be yo.
yo Heather, keep jottin 'em random thoughts down....those rhymes will make u rich yo, serious - we'll get 'em published, no doubt ! btw, freakin Ocean Avenue's all stuck in my head now..... not kool.  | | |
| Personal Thought:
Ever experienced one of those days where it seems as if you've just awaken from a dream....and much of anything prior to this moment seems purely surreal [and NO, fuck the Matrix]. And in dealing with all that you know, you only go through the motions just to get through reality. Not quite drudgery, not really a burden, but just a struggle to get from point A to point B.
Ever wonder what it is that drains that energy from deep inside of you....that energy that leads you to be happy, charismatic, optismistic, that very energy that allows you to seize the moment and never question your motives [confident], that energy that blinds all self-doubt. We've all experienced, that this energy is contagious. Enthusiasm, drive, hopeful ambition. So what kills it ?
Is it influenced when surrounded by "negative" energy - anger, disappointment, fear & doubt, condescension (crumbling relationships around us, unmet expectations, a divergence in our own relationships with friends and significant others, overbearing people [parents] who often question our competence) - this esteem, this energy is hurt when we're rendered insignificant. Or.....is it simply that we do get up on the wrong side of the bed, at times?
It's an axiom of some sort, that life deals highs and lows - when we recover from one, we should expect to embrace the other. But in truth, not many can withstand the intensity of one to the other....so what type of refuge do we look for when we seek emotional and mental escape (music? video games? a vacation? drugs? believing that misery loves company - and embark on self-gratifying acts that hurt others in the same respective way?) I find all is a result of the discrepancy between our wants and the actual situation that confronts us.
It is easy to say...."well, believe in yourself !" "Happiness is in you so long as you choose to recognize it.." .... "It's black & white - you either choose to be optimistic or pessimistic - your life in much of its totality is your perogative"......In Christianity, Taoism, and Buddhism....it is stated that, that source, that virtuous energy and confidence to seize each moment and live life without regrets, lies deep within us. Just have to realize truth. Life is a balance. But living ideally is to embody this energy. [might I also recommend 'The Celestine Prophesy' by James Redfield]
Ok...so we've heard many of such pearls, such wisdoms that will make us happy. But what do we have to hold onto ?? What keeps us from being tossed around like emotional rag-dolls ? (maybe friendships, an dream yet realized, a sense of adventure, a prayer, maybe a crucifix ?)
How to keep your head up ? Maybe y'all might have some insights to offer....
(shit, maybe in the end, it's all just fuckin hormonal, eh? can u say chemical imbalance ?? )
Stories from my trip to Cali.....coming soon.  Much love to heather and pete for all their hospitality.....it was more than anything I could ever ask for. ....to be continued | | |
| In light of Valentines, not more than a couple of days away, I thought
this might be of interest to all those sad and sorry lonely singles out
there:
http://quirkyalone.net/qa/peoplelikeus.php
See, so if you're single, it's not that you're some social reject or
romantic retard....you're just an odd ball, kinda like the marshmellows
in a bowl of Lucky Charms. Anyways, if you're the type to not
realize the 'HOPELESS' in being a hopeless romantic, good for you ! Be
a proud singlton and walk w/ that fiery passion of a
spinster-to-be !
But also.....for all of you who feel the drudgery and monotony of that
sorry-excuse for a relationship, that hump-&-dump that went ALL
wrong, then this might tickle your taste buds....and more.
http://www.ashleymadison.com/
aite, i've said my piece....back to mid-terms. Leave your thoughts ! 
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